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A Journey to Motherhood

27/02/2019

It’s a strange thing getting pregnant, you spend years of your life trying not to get pregnant and then when you are finally ready to bring a child into this world your body says no. Well this was my story.

The time is now

When I was 35 we decided to get married after living in sin for many years and start trying for a baby. My partner already had a daughter and so when we met we thought it best to wait a few years and go and do lots of fun things together before having another one. This was mainly going out a lot, having lot’s of holidays and generally enjoying life to the max as much as we could, we had a ball.

However, come the grand old age of 35 and that clock of mine started ticking very loudly I thought the time is now! We finally tied the knot, and I came off the contraceptive pill and within a couple of months after returning from our amazing honeymoon in St Lucia I was pregnant. As you can imagine we were overjoyed, everything was running to plan. Girl meets boy, falls in love, get married and start a family you know how it goes…

Its happened!

As you can imagine I was elated everything was going to plan. I told family and friends and not once did it occur to me to wait until the 12 week mark. I didn’t think anything would go wrong it wasn’t on my radar at all. I’m also quite a sociable animal so a little obvious going out, drinking OJ all night my girls would have known in an instant. So for the next few weeks I did what you shouldn’t do.

I accidentally went into shops and bought cute little soft toys for the nursery, thought about what colour scheme the nursery should be. What pram I should get and what school he or she will be at whilst we were living at that house. Honestly is it just me or do all women do this as soon as that test shows positive? You can’t help but think ahead for the future!

As we were struggling to date conception I booked a private scan in Solihull so we could get an idea of how far into the pregnancy I was. So off I went that morning, full of excitement and a few nerves but only to find that we had problems. That look from the Sonographer I will never forget and one I became quite accustomed to over the next few years.

Miscarrying the taboo

I was immediately sent to the hospital in Solihull with a possible ectopic pregnancy. There I spent the weekend having scans done and my bloods tested, such a horrible 48 hrs not knowing what was happening. Thankfully it turned out not to be an ectopic pregnancy and I was sent home. Unfortunately however I later miscarried at home.

Sometimes you just can’t make these things up. I was in bed at home miscarrying. My step daughter was running around the house super excited because her mum had given birth to her little sister that day. How I kept it together I will never know. The loss and sadness was overwhelming and the shock of what was happening to me and my body, nobody ever tells you about miscarrying it’s such taboo.

My close friends had never experienced it (thank goodness) so I didn’t have anyone that had been through it to talk to, so it felt quite isolating. One minute you are planning where your child will go to school. The next minute you’re back to being you, but a different you now. Not pregnant and feeling the loss of all your hopes and dream’s for the future.

Try and try again…

So over the next few years I carried on trying for a baby but each pregnancy resulted in a heartbreaking miscarriage. You’d think I wouldn’t get carried away each time I fell pregnant but I did I had to say to myself ‘this is my time’. I felt I had to stay positive each time. However there were more to follow. Multiple miscarriages, years of loss and sadness and then I was finally referred to specialists by my GP. Prof Quenby at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic at Heartland Hospital in Birmingham, one of the UK’s leading clinics in. This should normally happen after three but because of moving locations it never happened until my fourth miscarriage. At last I felt hopeful after all this time. Finally to be referred and get some much needed help.

Time for help

So we went on our way to Heartlands Hospital wondering what the outcome would be. Was there a problem with me? My husband already had a child so surely it can’t be him? It must be me I’m a failure I can’t even stay pregnant. All these things flying around your head. The specialists asked about both our health and family history. Various investigations took place and we then had to wait until our next appointment. Well ladies and gents I can tell you that was the longest few weeks of my life waiting for those results and to finally get some answers after year’s of heartache. The results were a mixed bag.

My husband was fine. We were genetically compatible. I’m a fit and healthy woman. No medical issues apart from I was over forty, so time was ticking pretty fast. I’d like to say I felt relief but I didn’t. Unanswered questions by the specialists. Of course they had but they just couldn’t explain my recurrent miscarriages I’m part of a small percentage of women that this happens to time and time again for no reason.

So along comes pregnancy number five and again we go through the intrepidation of reaching the mythical 12 week mark. We go for regular scans and blood tests and all seems ok. Now under the clinic I felt more confident that this could actually happen, we could have the baby we had been waiting years for but alas at four months our little baby left us.

Its just not going to happen to me

In my forties and a couple of years had passed by and no pregnancies. So I thought that’s it my time is up, I’ve missed the motherhood boat. I had resided to the fact that this was my life and to move on. I already had a step daughter and lucky enough to be a mummy to her. I decided not to go down the IVF route and be happy with my lot. Already blessed with my amazing family and friends, my beautiful step daughter, great job, great lifestyle. Also I’m God Mother extraordinaire to my friends kids so I could borrow anyone of these at anytime!

So we made plans to move back to Shropshire to be close to my parents as they were getting older and our two year house search began. One Sunday evening on Rightmove this gem of a house looked at me and I knew that was the one. After a twenty minute viewing and a full offer having been accepted on the house we got ready to move back.

New house new baby?

Now I really didn’t believe I was thinking about pregnancy at all times but as people tell me, maybe the distraction of moving and being back in Shropshire closer to family and friends made this little miracle happen. On the morning after we moved for some reason I did a pregnancy test. Having been quite exhausted over the past few weeks running up to the move date. I had put it down to moving and running around a lot but a couple of occasions of being light headed I had a feeling I should do a test.

That first morning in our new home I woke early and grabbed a test (I always had them in stock, this is what happens when your trying for a baby you become Clear Blue’s best bulk buying customer) and sat waiting (two minutes and 10 seconds to be accurate) and what do you know it was positive.

As you can see from my blog I have a little boy called Rufus and he was that positive test result, my little miracle it had finally happened for me. The Journey to Motherhood for me was quite a long one. I thought because of this I’d write about the different parts to it. I wanted this article on the blog to be about getting to a viable pregnancy. Not all hope is lost when you suffer from recurrent miscarriage I promise you it can happen when you least expect it.

To follow on…

To follow on from this I will share with you my pregnancy journey, those cautious nine months and how I felt during that time and looking after your mental wellbeing when going through something like this. If you are going through this I hope you get your happy ending because they do happen. I would love to hear from you so if you would like to comment below perhaps we can share other people’s stories.

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